God answered my prayer.

so if you read my last blog, I was stressing about failing classes on my report card, and missing credits. I was praying to God the past week, and he answered my prayer. He showed me that he is real, and that he can change our lives. I didn't fail one single class. He gave me a job for the summer when SYEP didn't accept me. He is the only one who can change my life. He knows what is going to happen to me in 10, 20, 30 years and beyond. Only him.

yeah....

so..I haven't updated this blog in a LONG time, but I can explain! I'm stressing out on what I'm going to get on my report card. It's actually just global. I'm safe in all of the other classes except for global and maybe DDP. other than that, my grades are fine. I just...can't stop thinking about what I'm going to get on my report card. I don't want to possible fail global or DDP. theres less than 10 hours left before I get my report card. D: OMG OMG OMG. I've been praying to God for the past week, trying to ask him to help me raise the grade. asking for help. I can't feel his presence though. its as if it's just...gone. vanished. I know that he's always there besides me, but as of this past week, I can't feel his presence next to me.

its all up to god.

so far, I've been home for about 45 minutes. 5 minutes after I came into my room. my mom bursts in and starts yelling at me. nonstop for 40 minutes. she's still yelling at me as a type this blog. I really can't handle it anymore. after tutoring on sunday I plan to go to church and have a talk with either debby or rocky. I really can't handle this. it seems now they're the only ones I can go to. I've pretty much lost the friends I can go to for comfort and an ear to listen. the only people left in this world whom I feel like I can talk to is pastor rocky, debby, and god. I pray every night, everyday before I go to bed and often in the morning. I pray that He can take away this pain and agony. I pray that my global grade will be beyond passing so that I won't have to deal with an extra course next year. I'm praying everyday on top of the stress of my grades, my mom yells at me nonstop. I really, really want to jump into traffic but thats not going to happen. I seriously need someone to go to right now, or at least talk to for comfort. my home isn't safe anymore.

regents.

I haven't blogged in...a while, I'm too lazy to count days. these past few days have been so weird. it feels as if its been months since I went to class. I hate the regents. they're making me stress out. the geometry regents were alright tomorrow is the biology regents. I'm not 100% prepared for it but I'd say I'm about 70% there. most of the stuff I learned in class is in my head. I'm just freaked about the DDP finals though I'm really scared that I'm going to fail. I'm praying everyday. every night before I go to sleep that I will receive a passing overall grade for global. so that I won't look stupid and retake the class again. even if the regents makes up for the credit, I still want to take american history next year and not look like a fool in front of the tech community. I'm praying everyday to god and I hope other will be praying for their grades as well as mine. its up to god now to decide whether I pass global or not. there is nothing else I can do now but to pray to Him.

can't take it anymore.

omg...I wish that this next week will pass by in a fricken' second. my mom is yelling at me nonstop to do this stupid packet that my cousin gave me. I'm telling my mom that its useless and its more helpful for me to study online. she's bitching at me [scuse for the language but I must] to do this packet saying that I'm always wrong and that her way is always right. that's bs. this packet is bs, I want to burn it but I don't want to get whipping with a belt [she really will do it] I can't do anything about this theres no way for me to explain to her that I don't need to do this fricken' packet and that I studied enough the past two weeks. my words don't make it to her brain. no way to explain to my mom that I don't need further studying. I really can't take it anymore. I'm about to either:
a. rip everything apart in this apartment
b. knock over the bunk bed
c. walk out
d. [something that is nearly impossible] contain the anger

I swear I'm growing white hair from containing all this anger and stress in me for the past few months or so. its all bottled up inside and its dangerous. I'm fearing that it'll burst out any second if she pushes it any further. I can't take it anymore I feel like leaving. now.

undo.

so....tomorrow is the finals...I'm really just worried about global. every other subject can kiss the fattest part of my ass. cuz...math is finished. english is acting. spanish is easy. biology, so so. DDP -> CRAP no class final but school wide one. uhhh thats about it. global is gonna be a pain. trying to study but I can't. I tried to let the bible show me the way but problem is that my bible was given to me in 2001. so the pages were too stiff for me to let my bible talk to me. usually I would let the bible fall onto a random open page and drop a pen or stick. read the verse it lands on. so yeah I need a new bible. oh btw, thanks justin for sending me Undo by Rush of Fools such a good song. :D. yeah I guess you could say that I like her but its most likely never gonna happen. :<

I think.

omg....I think I really like her...:[ what should I doooo?

everchanging.

so life has been acting up on me. we've all had ups and downs in our lives. but my life has been going down down down. I couldn't concentrate today. too many things on my mind.

1) is it possible for me and you to ever be together?
2) finals
3) regents
4) friends leaving

a lot of people today noticed my face as being down and depressed. some idiot even offered me anti-depressants/coke/weed. I shoved him out of my way and typically he would shove me back but then again, he's not THAT retarded to do that to me in the condition I was in today.

1) there are times where I can't stop thinking about how I want to talk to her, but its impossible since I like...never see her and I wish I did. I think I'm making it obvious but I doubt she reads this either. x.x

2)+3) anyways....my grades are like...the aftermath of WTC. I wish that I can just move onto sophomore year right now and start fresh and new. start off on a good start, going somewhere near 90mph and not dropped below 80. life can sometimes be a highway.

4) yeah. its getting to me.

change.

I'm taking a break from my studying to quickly post a blog since I haven't for two days. but no one misses me on my blog because no one reads it. I might as well shut it down.

lately, no, very recently I've experienced very deep and drastic changes. there are a few people who seemed as if we would be close friends at first sight. first month, hangout enough with them, I get along with them, and believed that we would be good friends forever. history seems to be repeating itself in my eyes. now, these friends are drifting farther and farther away. they seem to be ignoring me. their soft and friendly tone is just gone. it's as if I've been played, tricked, lied to. its as if they have decided that I'm not there to do what I'm intentionally doing. as if I'm a big joke and faking everything. to me, in their eyes, I am someone who is expendable, someone who considers them expendable. but that's wrong. every single person that I ever liked, as a friend or more than one, they will always have a place in my heart. friends are never to be forgotten, only to be cherished. this is bothering me, I can't study, I can't sleep. The thought of another friend leaving and just ignoring me isn't something that is easy to take. it was all of a sudden.

just like it was 2 years ago. my best friend whom I've known since I was 2 years old. we used to play with each other, talk to each other, even went to summer school and some hard times together. and then, in one swoop, he left me. gone off to be a druggie, a "BAMF" he stops talking to me altogther, even stopped waiting for me to go to school when he lived in the next apartment. its all seemed to change, and just drift away. its all something hard to bear.

who am I.

[Verse1]
Who am I?
That the Lord of all the earth,
Would care to know my name,
Would care to feel my hurt.
Who am I?
That the bright and morning star,
Would choose to light the way,
For my ever wandering heart.

[Bridge]
Not because of who I am,
But because of what you've done.
Not because of what I've done,
But because of who you are.

[Chorus]
I am a flower quickly fading,
Here today and gone tomorrow,
A wave tossed in the ocean,
A vapor in the wind.
Still you hear me when I'm calling,
Lord, you catch me when I'm falling,
And you've told me who I am.
I am yours.
I am yours.

this song is so inspirational. it is like....indescribable!<--chris tomlin song?
I couldn't get enough of this song today. it reminded me of the thirty hour famine back in april. during the uh...worship before we broke the fast. :D great song. today was BORING! Patricia, Justin, and Nelson were all tired from the Hillsongs United concert last night so I didn't go handball today. all of my friends already left their homes when I found out no handball. so I decided to go to barnes and noble to like..catch up on some regents books. I read for a good 3 hours or so. I was broke so I couldn't get my favorite drink at the cafe. :< I came home around...6:30ish. and I get some brand new shoes. :D two pairs of AF1s. but I don't think I'm the type to wear them lolz. aw wells shoes are shoes. :D

one sided love.

"I cant help it
Staring at u when ur not looking
Looking away when u r
When i see you laughing with someone else
I look away
Pretending it doesnt matter
Pretending I dont see u
Pretending that i dont want u
Pretending that u r nothing to me
But deep in my heart-
I'm drowning in my own tears
I sit here
Dreaming of a hope that will never exist
Trying to convince myself
That even if the sun sets today...
It will raise up again tomorrow
But as i look up at the darkening sky
I ask myself
Why? Why am i attracted to u so much?
Cuz it hurts to pretend
Bkuz every time i do
I feel like im losing myself
Why is it that only u, can make me so unsure of myself?
Is it bkuz ur so close...yet still unattainable?
So this, is wat they call...
One-sided love"
-thanks Jess

This is actually how I feel inside. one sided love. although I'm sure that it will never happen, its always best to at least let yourself think about it, and just let yourself feel good that she is someone that you want to be with, someone that you want to see everyday, someone that you can call yours.

people places and things.

So, today I wasn't cooped up at home. Felix asked me to go Karaoke! :D 27th st. and 3rd ave. It was Nelson, Justin, Patricia, Calvin, Felix, and Kingston. its a pretty nice sushi restaraunt. I didn't want to eat it though because Felix was paying and I didn't want to feel the guilt of mooching off of people. besides, I can get all of that and more in philadelphia for free :P. OMG the moving thingy with the sushi dishes was SO entertaining. its like...you're sitting at the bar, you see something you want, you just grab it :D. I wish I could just stand on it and let the moving thing take me around. somehow, the sushi plates can turn corners omggg its just SO cool! imagine having one in your home. between the fridge and you. AHHH! anyways. after lunch, went upstairs for Karaoke. I remember singing I want it that way, bye bye bye, a thousand miles, uhhh war, apoligize, girlfriend. and like others. haha nelson was so cool, he was singing/screaming, he opens the door and screams/sings into the hallways. kingston runs across the room which was like... 3 feet to shut the door. ahh good times. sometimes makes me wonder about our past and the good times that we used to have.

Remember when:
Getting high meant on the swing set?
When the worst things guys could do was give you cooties?
When wearing a skirt didn;t make you a whore
Where war was just a card game
Where the only things we smoked was tires on our bike
When the only things that hurt were skinned knees
The only drug that we knew of was cough medicine
Where race issues were about who can run the fastest

Its stuff that we have to think about. Every second, minute, hour, and day. We have to live it like theres no tomorrow. There is only one day in eternity where it will be June 4th, 2009. Only one day where we can graduate high school. one day where we will have the time of our life.

finals.

well...finals are coming up. I'm gonna fail freshman year and I'm scared. I'm scared of possibly going to summer school or night classes. I don't want to be embarassed like that. I wonder the percentage of our grades our finals and regents count. if it counts for at least 40%, then I should be good if I score a good score on them. the hole in my life still hasn't been patched. I want this hole to be mended I want people to like and love me for who I am. apparently most of the people I know don't and it hurts, deep down in my heart. <-- [hehehe deep deep, oh deep down down, deep down in my heart, ILY Jesus. :D] I'm scared of failing freshman year, I don't want to be embarassed like that. hah de ja vu moment for you! I'm gonna continue praying and hoping that I can pass my classes and boost myself back up higher next year as a sophomore. btw, I hate the fact that my mom makes me go somewhere at 5 on fridays and come back to ocm at 7ish. makes me look like I want to avoid bible study and not learn about god. I'm thankful that this week is the last week I have to do it so I can continue going to bible study like every other week. also, 3 more sundays, before the end of school, but that 4th sunday marks the day that I can finally start going to sunday worship and cana. but then again, by that 4th sunday I will find out if I passed freshman year or not. gotta get through finals first. good luck to myself and everyone who are taking it. time to reminisce[I spelled it wrong, but thanks] in my music. :]

unhappiness

I've been feeling like crap this whole weekend long and today. I haven't been feeling myself. I feel as if I'm missing something in my heart. something's not right. I pray to god about it but there hasn't been a change yet. there's something missing in my heart and I don't like it. lately, I've been trying to learn Haru Haru on the guitar. Jacky's teaching me haru haru on the piano along with Narutimate Accel 2 ending. :D. I don't have anything to look forward to anymore... :<>